


Dear Diary

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, But no suicide attempt or actual suicide, Childhood Sexual Abuse, F/M, Fluff, Gemma is Harry's half-sister and younger than him, Light BDSM, M/M, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Some very fluffy parts, Suicidal Thoughts, Unethical actions of the main character, unhealthy relationship with food
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-04-12 06:45:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4469312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry's psychologist told him to write everything down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am warning you now, initially this story isn't nice or uplifting at all. It deals with child abuse and how this affects children and adults. The victim in this story doesn't become an abuser, he is actually a pretty nice guy but he nearly oversteps a boundary. If you feel like any of my tags may trigger you I would advice you to not read it. If this story is similar to your own life or you do happen to be triggered you are very welcome to message me. Please take care and don't be too mean, this is my first story...
> 
> If a chapter contains current events and a diary entry the current events will be cursive. Simply because I personally dislike reading cursive and want to keep it to a minimum, I hope this makes sense.

Dear Diary

My psychologist told me to write this down. I don’t know if I can. I don’t even remember everything. Who forgets that they were abused? Well, I did.  
Simply proves how much of a freak I am. But you, my dear diary, will probably come to know this as well  
Louis is lying next to me. Even when he's asleep he's touching me. Right now he's cuddling my leg, it's very cute and endearing. I wish I could sleep as well. But falling asleep has always been hard for me. Which is why I’m using the time to start writing this down. At least I’m doing something useful.  
Louis doesn’t know. I want to tell him, but how can I? He will feel disgusted and realise that he's too good for me. I am simply a bad person, I guess. My psychologist doesn’t agree. But I’m sure you, my dear diary, will agree with my opinion.  
Anyhow, my name is Harry Styles, I am 21, I have ocd, I am a failure and this is the story of my life. Or at least what I remember of it…

 

I am four and finally allowed to go to primary school. I really like it and I have a very nice teacher. He has funny hair colours. Sometimes it’s blue, sometimes green and sometimes even red. Like a rainbow… I want hair like that as well! My teacher is awesome!  
And we are allowed to play many games. My cousins don’t really like playing with me but I think I made a few friends and I love going to school. But unfortunately daddy started to work again. I don’t really like it. We used to spend so much time together. He is an awesome story teller and my hero. He even plays dress up with me and tries to teach me how to play football. But I’m hopeless at it. Both of my parents are working, which is why they can’t be there when school’s out.  
Mummy and daddy decided that I had to go to a day nanny after school. The day nanny is very old, but she still has read hair. She asks me what my favourite food is. I tell her that I like everything without meat because I’m a vegetarian and that my favourite food is curry. She smiles nods. The next day she makes a delicious vegetable curry. I like my day nanny and the other children are nice. I think my nanny likes me as well. She always gives me extra food and tells me how wonderful my drawings are. She tells my parents that I’m a good boy and very smart.

Anyhow, it’s 1.30 am and I really should try going to sleep. I'll continue writing this tomorrow!

 

_I carefully try to get Louis to let go of my leg. He grumbles but doesn’t wake up. I put the diary in my bag and make sure that the windows are closed, the door locked twice, the stove isn’t on and that the cat has water. I fill my light blue water bottle, add two ice cubs and take exactly 12 sips. I make sure that Louis is still breathing and check the six alarm clocks on my mobile phone._


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary

Waking up this morning was terrible. When I heard the first alarm clock ring I got up quickly, brushed my teeth, washed my face and brushed my hair, put new water in my light blue water bottle and took 12 sips. Then I made breakfast. Scrambled egg with toast, butter and marmite for Louis and fruit salad for me. I added mango, an apple and a banana and poured some lemon juice over it, I never add sugar. I put on the electric kettle and made Louis his tea, Yorkshire tea, milk first and no sugar. I had an English breakfast tea, milk second and no sugar either.

Waking up Louis was surprisingly easy, even though he really isn't a morning person! We actually had enough time for a nice snog. As always Louis felt bad about his morning breath. But I don’t care about that. I’m simply happy that he wants to kiss me. Why would I care about morning breath? Anyhow, Louis is out tonight, he’s going to the pub with Eleanor and some other friends. He asked whether I wanted to join as well but I said no. I’m socially awkward and I want him to enjoy his night, I'd probably spoil it... Which is why I’m sitting here on Louis’ couch with my diary and my light blue water bottle. I take exactly 6 sips and decide to continue writing

Mummy and daddy have started to argue really often. I hear mummy screaming and daddy’s calm voice practically every night. Mummy usually cries after it, which makes me even sadder… Mummy is really loud and our house is old, I hear everything. I wish I had a sibling or a pet, I probably wouldn’t feel so alone… Daddy doesn’t have much time for me anymore, he even fell asleep when reading me a story! But when I told him that I managed to get the ball during break and even kicked it to somebody of my own team he tussled my hair and told me that he’s proud. I ask the day nanny whether mummy and daddy are arguing because of me. She says that this probably isn’t true. But that mummy and daddy would be happier if I was a good boy. I nodded and vowed to be a better child, I felt really sorry about colouring the wall under my daddy’s desk. I hope he wasn't too upset. Happy people don’t argue after all…

The nanny tells me to go play with the other kids. I play with two girls one is called Cassie, I unfortunately forgot the name of the other one… The unnamed girl played the princess and Cassie is the dragon. I really wanted to be the princess and wear the pretty tiara, but it was decided that the knight needed to be played by a boy.

Cassie is the fearsome dragon and growls, the girl behind her pretends to whimper and I grip my wooden sword tightly. We play wildly and I unfortunately hit Cassie on the neck with my sword. She starts wailing loudly, I immediately drop the sword and start apologising. The nanny comes and asks what happened. Cassie is wailing so loudly that the nanny doesn’t hear me. I stop saying anything and simply wait. The nanny puts an ice pack on Cassie’s neck and gives her and the other girl a pear drop. She grabs my arm roughly and takes me to the kitchen. “What a bad boy you are! How dare you do this to Cassie? And then you try to hide it from me?” I try to tell her the truth and start crying. She makes me drink a whole glass of water and shoves me face first in the kitchen corner. She tells me to stand still and wait. I feel really ashamed, I wanted to be good for mummy and daddy. I start crying again, but the nanny tells me to be quiet. I don’t dare to tell her that I really need to go to the loo. It feels like an eternity, but finally the nanny calls me. I slowly walk to her ad she asks me if I am sorry for what I did and I say yes. I run to the loo and am the last one to arrive at the dinner table. This evening she cooked spaghetti Bolognese, I simply eat plain ones, I don’t mind.

Mummy helped me paint my nails with glittery nail varnish, I think they are incrediby beautiful and the best thing ever. A few kids taunt me, but I don't care. Even my teacher notices them, he says that they are pretty. I really want to be pretty. My mummy and daddy are usually the only ones that use this word to describe me. I like it. Pretty, I say slowly in my head, it’s a sparkly pink word!!

The nanny is still nice, but I feel like she doesn’t like me anymore. When I do something wrong she always makes me drink water and stand in the corner. One day I can’t hold it anymore. She showers my legs with cold water and then she sits me down. She says that it’s time really start being a good boy and that good boys don’t need extra things. I nod silently. This evening she makes chicken pot pie and nothing else. I eat it, even though I feel very sorry for the chicken. She also tells my father that I decided to eat meat again. When I nod he smiles at me and tells me that he’s proud. This actually makes me proud, I made my daddy happy again. My nanny is really smart, I decide. I really should do what she says!

A few days later I kick a ball in the window when we are playing in the garden of the nanny. The window shatters and she gets angry. This time I have to drink two cups of water and

_I hear Louis come home and immediately hide my diary in my bag again._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Abuse happens. There are certainly more graphic or horrible depictions of it out there, but still, I thought a warning was appropriate.

Dear Diary

It’s me again. Louis was very drunk yesterday, but even then he’s considerate and gentle… After doing my little ritual of checking the windows, the door, the stove, the cat’s water, filling up my light blue water bottle, adding two ice cubes and taking 12 sips of water I brought Louis a glass as well. We fell asleep spooning, it was all very domestic and nice. Right now it’s morning and I’m on the sofa under a fluffy blanket and with my light blue water bottle next to me. Louis is still asleep, I hope he doesn’t have a headache when he gets up.

Anyhow, I should probably continue with the story, right?

  
The school is closed this afternoon for some reason, which is why most of the kids (me included) had lunch and are later going to have dinner at my nanny’s house. I broke a window and am standing in the corner as punishment. The nanny is cleaning the kitchen and I am standing in the kitchen corner. I start crying, I really wish I was better at football. The nanny tells me to be quiet and grips my hair painfully, I say yes and she grips my hair again. I guess I’m too stupid to realise that answering the question isn’t being quiet and I turn around to face the wall again.  
She has stopped cleaning, and I hear her walking around in the living room, I don’t know what she’s doing. I don’t think she’s ever made me stand in the corner for such a long time, but then again, I’ve never broken a window either. I really need to go to the loo, but I am determined to wait it out. I don’t want to piss myself again, it was very embarrassing and uncomfortable. But time passes and I hear the other children laughing outside and I feel absolutely desperate. Soon enough I am standing there with wet pants and wondering what I should do. I don’t know where the nanny is and it’s very uncomfortable. I decide to go to the closet with the spare clothes and try finding some that may fit me.  
I find some tracksuit bottoms that look like they might be my size and start walking to the toilet, but the nanny sees me unfortunately and isn’t pleased at all. She says that I should have stayed in my corner and when she sees the bottoms she is incredibly upset. She says that I am a thief and I guess I have to agree with her. Mummy and daddy have always told me that I need to ask before taking things that aren’t mine, I should have known better.  
The nanny brings me to the bathroom and quickly takes off my soiled clothes and starts to shower my legs. At first the water is really hot, I yelp and move away. She tells me to come back, be still and that I should stop snivelling. I slowly move back and this time the water is really cold and it’s hitting my private parts painfully, I do my best to not flinch again. The nanny doesn’t say anything and simply looks me in the eye. Suddenly her hand shoots forward and she grabs my penis painfully, I try to move back but her grip is too strong. She seems very calm and tells me that I will never play football in her garden again. I nod and she asks me if I’m ready to be a good boy. I say yes and she lets me go. I quickly put on the tracksuit bottoms and join Cassie in the play room.

 

From this day on similar things happen again and again. She pulls at my penis, pinches my balls and sometimes even makes me suck on her breasts. I don’t like going to the nanny anymore, but I know that mummy and daddy need to work and that I mustn’t make them upset, because happy people don’t argue and I don’t want to make them even unhappier… And I know that mummy is very unhappy, I often see her crying and she gets angry really fast. When I’m at home I’m usually in my room, I really like to draw, practice reading or listening to music.

  
One day I do decide to ask if I could stop going to the nanny, I simply hate it there. But mummy says no. I explain that I could walk home and play in our yard, we live in rather rural are and the road to primary school looks very nice. Mummy however explains that this is too dangerous because I could be kidnapped. I’m a kid and I like my taking naps, which is why kidnapping sounds fine to me.  
But I learn that kidnapping means something really different, bad men sometimes take children and hurt them. I don’t want to be kidnapped. I don’t dare to go out alone anymore because I’m too afraid. My parents don’t understand me. But why should our front yard be safe if the way to school isn’t? We don’t even have a fence. Anybody could simply take me! When I am alone outside I sit in the tree. It’s high up, nobody can see me but I can see the whole road to our house. It makes me feel like a bird, I love my tree, it protects me.  
Every night I make sure that both windows in my room are closed. I have trouble falling asleep. Our front door is certainly still open! I put a pitcher of water behind my door. If somebody were to open my door I could hear it and hide. There are many hiding places in my room. But when mummy opens the door in the morning it spills and she gets mad. She screams at me and I start crying. Sometimes I feel like my really mummy likes to scream. Maybe it’s her hobby?

 

  
It’s Christmas break and the whole family goes to granny’s country house. Granny cooks really tasty food and I think she likes me, but for some reason mummy and granny don’t like each other. I think it’s strange, because granny is my mummy’s mummy and I certainly love my mummy and mummy also loves me. I don’t understand why they don’t like each other, but adults simply are strange, I guess.  
Granny has a nice house on the country side and many animals. Two dogs, chickens and many bunnies. My favourite bunnies are the ones with the dark heads and the grey body fur, the breed is called silver foxes, I do wonder why somebody would name bunnies after a fox. But I have already learned that the world is a strange place and I decide not to dwell on it.  
I love the bunnies, they are a bit shy and don’t like to be picked up. But I sit really still and bring them some carrots, they seem to like me. I can sit there and pet them until my legs are numb. Two of my cousins are here as well, they’re called Caroline and Beatrix. Their mummy is here with them, but they explain that their daddy wouldn’t come because their parents are divorced. They are nice, but we don’t really play together. The love playing football, riding their bikes or doing gymnastics. I like drawings, books and petting rabbits, when I tried to do gymnastics I simply fell down and hurt myself. I can’ read everything yet, but I’ve already learned many words and do my best to understand the stories, the pictures are a really big help. I simply wish the children’s books of my granny were a bit nicer and less scary, most of them are about special men, like Moses who helped the people flee from the evil Pharaoh. My granny also reads me the story of baby Jesus. Granny says it’s important to trust in God and that he’ll help those that love him and mummy agrees with granny for once. I really do love God, I think.

 

Dear diary, I decided that it's time to make breakfast and wake up Louis. I want to spend the day with him, which I can’t do if he sleeps too long… His flatmate Zayn is supposed to come home tonight. Zayn is nice, rather quiet and he likes to read as well, one would probably assume that we’d get along. Which is not exactly untrue, but Zayn makes me nervous. His calm eyes seem to see everything and he’s smart, he may realise how freaky I truly am. I am afraid he may realise I’m not good enough for Louis.


	4. Authors note

This is too emotional for me (because part of this were meant to stories about myself and of my family) and it's difficult to write in my 3rd language. So, this will be orphaned.

 

Happy new Year!


End file.
